Kim and Penn Holderness, authors and creators known for their hilarious (often viral) videos on everything from parenting to marriage, have been open about sharing Penn’s journey with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
In their new book ADHD Is Awesome: A Guide to (Mostly) Thriving With ADHD, the couple shares the strategies and solutions that have worked for them, as well as resources and expert guidance for anyone living with ADHD as well as for those who love someone affected by the condition.
ADHD is a common neurodevelopmental disorder. People who have it can have trouble paying attention, controlling impulsive behaviors, or being overly active. But the couple is on a mission to break down the stigma that is sometimes attached to the disorder and reframe and celebrate it.
“If you’ve ever seen an ADHD-er in the middle of hyperfocus, as a non-ADHD-er, I would pay money for that,” said Kim.
In our latest episode of “Asking for a Friend,” Kim and Penn answers some of our readers’ most pressing questions. From identifying signs of ADHD to navigating marriage with a partner who has ADHD, the couple breaks it all down. Watch the video above and read the highlights here.
What are the signs you might have ADHD?
“ADHD is like snowflakes, no two are alike,” said Penn. But if you’re looking for some general signs, he says the following is a good list to go by: Difficulty maintaining focus, impulsivity, hyperactivity, and what are called “non-kinetic interruptions,” such as when someone starts talking and you add something that doesn’t seem to go with the conversation.
But where these behaviors occur is key. Penn says that the most important thing is if these things present themselves consistently, in at least more than one location, like at home and at school. “If you’re just having problems in one place, it’s probably not ADHD,” he said.
For girls and women, signs of ADHD can present as inattentive, and across the spectrum of ADHD, emotional dysregulation is very common.
How can I get more support from my family?
The more knowledge you can provide your family about ADHD, the more they’ll understand your behaviors, because your executive functioning is taxed, explains Penn.
And it’s an invisible condition. There’s no blood test or cast on your arm that you can show the outside world what you’re dealing with, so being open about your experience and the physical challenges of it can go a long way.
How can I manage my ADHD at work?
Start with HR or your boss. Penn suggests initiating the conversation and telling your superior, “I want to make the most out of my ability to perform here.”
He recommends noise canceling headphones, a fan to distract outside sound, requesting to not be seated by an exit or bathroom which can lead to more distractions, or ask for scheduled breaks.
“The ADHD brain is more creative,” said Kim. “They have done tests that prove they are the outside of the box thinkers. Companies should want to hire people with ADHD.”
How can I be more patient with my partner who has ADHD?
Instead of piling on and making your partner feel worse, suggests Kim, try offering connection. And when emotions are more regulated, have an open conversation and provide some solutions to the problems that sparked the initial frustration you felt.
“And something that has also worked, is accentuating the positive,” said Kim. “Everybody loves to be complimented.” So, when your partner does something that shows they’re focusing or paying attention, reaffirm them by complimenting them.
What are some of your best tips for staying focused?
“It’s easiest to focus on something that is challenging, is new and exciting, and is of personal interest,” said Penn. He adds that the environment you’re in and the environment you create for yourself can also play a role. Temperature, whether you’re hungry, and how much sleep you’ve had can all be major factors, and finding what works for you can set you up for success.
How do you gently suggest to a loved one that they might have ADHD?
Off the bat, Kim said you need to make sure that if you want to have this open conversation, it needs to be with someone you love and feel safe with, and that they should feel safe with you. And to remember that only a doctor can make a diagnosis.
From there, lead with the positive. Try beginning the conversation with, “What I love about you is you’re so creative, and spontaneous…but I’ve also noticed that sometimes you have trouble focusing or completing a task.” Starting off with what you love about the person’s ADHD behaviors’ can lead to a more open dialogue.
Are there options besides medication that can help?
Whether or not you are taking medications, behavioral interventions can help. This includes ranking what behaviors concern or make life harder for your partner, friends, coworkers, or whomever you spend time with. “For example, I left the stove on and I left the house,” said Penn. “So, that was the first thing I worked on. I set a timer every time I turn the stove on.”
There are also ADHD coaches who can work with you to create a tailored solution or plan to help combat any ADHD behaviors that may be concerning to your friends or family. But above all else, remember that ADHD can be a positive part of your life.
